Help! Runaway Tongue! Muzzle Wanted!

Ever had one of those days when the things you say just come out wrong? Or worse, the things you think actually come flying out of your mouth?

I do.

Take last night, for example. I was working my night job waiting tables at Cracker Barrel. One of my co-workers is a bit of a flirt. I was politely turning his interest elsewhere by saying "I'm married. Don't bother me." (Okay, I wasn't that polite. He ought to know better.)

When he persisted by telling me he didn't care if his women were married or single, I loudly announced to one and all that "I am a one woman man."

That raised some eyebrows.

Or take the time I was facing a table of two - a huge, bearded man, and a petite person in a cardigan sweater, long hair, and delicate cap. The bearded man looked at me as he ordered but his companion stayed buried in the menu where I couldn't see a face. I turned away from the bearded giant and said these famous last words, "Would you like sweet tea as well, ma'am?"

Turns out he had a beard too.

Ah well, you win some, you offend some.